Thursday, March 31, 2011

I feel like I'm failing

Yesterday was a hard day for me emotionally.  The emotional drain caused me to be physically exhausted as well.  It just wasn't my day. 

So why the title then?  Well, I feel like I'm failing as a Mom.  I know it's not true.  Honestly I do.  Yet, after a day like this, I question it.  The day started out fine.  A was headed to Meemaw's for the night, Ren to school and CS just hangs out with me.  Pretty simple day. 

I took A to Mom's and headed to school to pick up Ren.  I walked in and there it was.  THE NOTE.  Notes aren't anything new to me.  I've gotten them all year long, but recently they have been for just small things.  Usually, the notes don't bother me and I use them to help us have a conversation with Ren concerning his behavior.  The notes also go with us to therapy each week and we can chat about them again there.  I read over the note and it wasn't that great.  I applaud his teachers for being able to deal with his behavior because if he had been at home it would have been a totally different story.  His behavior was very naughty, even extreme for him.  I immediately felt like a bad parent.  Rationally I know he was having a bad day, but this was top of the charts bad behavior and I was embarrassed.

On the way home, Ren's favorite song came on the radio.  I started singing along because, well, I love to sing.  What do I hear from the backseat?  A high pitched scream followed by "Stop singing Mommy Stop it NOWWWWWW".  I pull into the driveway and turn around.  He is sobbing.  I told him I would stop singing this time, but next time he needed to use his words correctly and ask nicely.  He immediately apologized and went into the house.  Then it all started over.  He was crying.  CS was bothering him.  He didn't like what was on the lunch menu.  To me, he sounded like a very tired little boy.  So, I put him in bed and he fought me tooth and nail.  I finally got him calmed down and let him know that he didn't have to go to sleep, but needed to have some down time in his room.  Once he felt like he could be a little happier he could come out and play.  About an hour later he emerged from his room.  He had been playing his Memory game and had calmed down considerably.

Then we sat down together and talked about why he had a bad day at school.  He said that he had made some poor choices (which are the words we are using with his therapy.  There are poor and good choices, not bad/good behavior.  Basically, it helps him realize that he is ultimately responsible for his behavior by his choices).  I was happy with this!  Then he hit me with the question "why don't I ever go to my friends houses Mommy?".  I was baffled.  This came from no where.

It dawned on me a while later.  We attend a small(er) preschool.  Most of the kids went through the 3 year old class and know each other really well.  Ren and a hand-full of others are new to the class this year.  He has seen a lot of play dates arranged, kids going home with others, etc for most of the year.  Yet, he's never been asked for a play date at all.  I've mentioned it casually to a couple of the Moms to have play dates at our home or a park or library.  Someplace neutral with less stress.  Most of them have said it sounded like fun but they had other dates scheduled or other plans.  I've never really pushed the issue and it didn't bother me.  I guess it bothers Ren though.  He gets tired of only having his sisters to play with and I understand (I only had brothers to play with until I was 8). 

Then I remember that most of the kids in his class have mentioned his tantrums to their parents.  They have ask if he is okay or was having a bad day because of something their child mentioned at home.  I'm okay with that, and will just say that he was probably having a bad day.  So when Ren ask why he never got invited to play dates I had no answer.  I don't know why he doesn't get invited.  Somehow though, it makes me feel like I'm failing as a Mom.  It makes me question everything about Ren's behavior and my own.  I wonder if he acted just a little more like a "normal" child would this not even be an issue.  Then again, it is only preschool and he will be attending another school next year, new friends will be made. 

All in all, it has just been one of those days where I have thought about everything, questioned everything and wondered why were we blessed with a different child.  Then, I look at his sweet face when he wraps his arms around my neck, plants a kiss on my cheek and tells me "Mommy, you're the best Mom ever" and remember that he's not different.  He's a perfect little boy who we have been graced with to love.  He teaches us and astounds us with his intelligence, humor and kindness for others.  Despite all my worries and fretting, I wouldn't change anything.  He's our Ren.  Everything we wanted and ask for.


  1. You are NOT a bad mom. This is not something I tell people, but I'm in the (kinda) same boat as you. My daughter does not get invited to play dates. Why? It's because of me. I feel terrible about it, but I can't change who I am. I've been told by a few women that I don't get invited to things because I'm too intimidating. I asked what that meant, and they said that I have a harsh look and am not "friendly" at school. Which is funny, because their kids love me, and I'm great with them in class. I guess I'm just not that great with adults. I figure that as long as my child has friends at school and is social with them, she'll be okay in life. I just hope as she gets older, parents won't be as judgmental. Know you're not alone, and that your son isn't the only one not invited to play dates. Love you Kandi.

  2. Thanks Katie! It's nice to know I'm not alone. I have no idea why anyone would think you're unfriendly though. I like you bunches!! Love ya!